"If you understood everything I said, you'd be me" - Miles Davis
"I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees" - George W. Bush
"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge." - Bertrand Russell
"Take away the right to say fuck and you take away the right to say fuck the government." - Lenny Bruce
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!" - Homer Simpson
"They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we" - George W. Bush
Utility Fog Banner

  Magic Smoke
$500 audio cable - Flim Flam
Snarky Reviews - Priceless

Via Bifurcated Rivets



  Wuh?
Chihuahuas don't cure asthma

  Happy Face
21 Best Mugshots Evar
Via MonkeyFilter

  Why I Stopped Working in Bookstores

""Hi. Do you sell just mysteries here?"

"Yes. Broadly defined. We have thrillers, suspense, capers, true crime, but yeah, mysteries."

"Oh. Okay. Do you have any Kurt Vonnegut?""

I was asked once where the padlocks were.
Via Fran's Ramblings

  Glitch Bop
Classical Hindustani Glitchtronica
Via MetaFilter

  Wonders Never Cease
Butt Glue

  Watch the Drummer

This guy is a monster:

Korean drummer takes the show
Via needcoffee.com

  Fafblog is Good

"Oh sure, it's easy to look back now with our twenty-twenty hindsight and our armchair quarterbacking and whine and moan about how it all went wrong. But what about the case for blowing up the moon at the time? For literally dozens of years the moon had menaced Western Civilization with its eclipses and its werewolf hordes and its sinister seduction of our seas, all the while dangling its massive stony bulk above us with nothing but universal gravitation standing between the free world and a cold and moony end! Oh, the usual crowd of peaceniks and anti-kill killjoys would have had America stand idly by and do nothing, leaving frightened children and Brookings scholars to tremble under their beds at night while our nation's nocturnal nemesis threatened once again to plunge from the heavens and squish us all, but 9/11 taught us that we can't wait for danger to become dangerous before we pre-re-endanger it back! And by defeating the moon America would ensure not only its own security, but the destruction of al Qaeda's deadly space laser, the liberation of the moon men from the terrible tyranny of the Crater King, and the second coming of Astro-Jesus!

Of course by now everybody thinks they're an expert on every little accident that's happened in the moon war. Oh, we didn't send enough troops, oh, we didn't plan for the aftermath, oh, the explosions launched millions of tons of radioactive moon rock into the atmosphere and killed hundreds of thousands of people. Well, boo hoo hoo! Nobody said this war was gonna be perfect. It's true, if Giblets had to blow up the moon all over again he would have made some changes, like firing Donald Rumsfeld and putting more boots on the ground and getting more international support. But would he oppose the moon war altogether? Well that's the kinda crazy talk we were only hearing from namby-pamby pot-smoking puppet-wielding moon hippies like Al Gore and Zbigniew Brzezinski and their Stalinist fellow travelers at International ANSWER! And what was their solution to the rapidly growing moon crisis? Nothing but peace songs and patchouli smell and nothing!"

Were We Wrong?

  Wave "Bye Bye" to Free Time

The 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches of All Time

#41. "Chicken Lady at the Strip Show," Kids in the Hall, 1991

Via Boing Boing



  Yippee!!
Fafblog is back!

""Screw this dump!" says Giblets. "This universe is old and fat and smells like smelling and Giblets is busting out!"
"Should we go over the wall or take the tunnel?" says me. I been diggin a tunnel.
"Nuts to the tunnel!" says Giblets. "What we do is we make like we're sick. Then when God comes in to check on us we punch im in the liver an run out the door!"
"They'll be on the lookout so we're gonna need disguises if we wanna make it the resta the way," says me. "If we bop Europe an Australia on the head we can sneak out in their continent costumes!"
"Then it's only three hundred eighty thousand miles to the moon. We can swim for it!" says Giblets. "Giblets's crater friends can smuggle us to the border from there."
"We'll haveta travel undercover if we wanna stay aheada the law," says me. "By the time we reach the checkpoint I'll be Henri DuMarche, international financier, socialite and diamond thief, an you can be NGC 5024, a mild-mannered globular cluster.""



  Giggles
Fail Dogs, like a minimalist canine LOLcat
Via Bifurcated Rivets

  Flamethrowers Don't Kill People,
but they will fry up the undead quite nicely. Darkplace

  Hope for the Future
funny school science project video games
41 Hilarious Science Fair Experiments
Via Exploding Aardvark

  Your Kung Fu Smells of Elderberries


  Waiting for Bacon
Cheeseburger in a Can
Via Robot Wisdom

  I Don't Need to Make Stuff Up

Isabella Rossellini Bug Porn

Isabella Rossellini Does Bug Porn
Via Lost in E Minor

  Good Practice for Zombies

30

How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take In a Fight?
Via linkfilter.net

  Genius
Corpse Wheeled to Check-Cashing Store Leads to 2 Arrests


  Santa is Satan Sideways, 2007 Edition
    Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

  • 1. I'm down here.
  • 2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
  • 3. I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
  • 4. I can get you off the naughty list.
  • 5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
  • 6. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
  • 7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
  • 8. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
  • 9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
  • 10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
Santacon Carol Book (PDF)
Via Laughing Squid

  Gold Lame is a Drug
Willow Don't Cry
Via WFMU's Beware of the Blog

  Good Times
I love Chic as much as the next middle-aged white guy, but wtf is Nile Rodgers doing on a list of Top 100 living geniuses?
Via dy link blog

  Re: Your Brains

Warning: Zombie Goodness

Via Kung Fu Monkey



  Silly Spammer
"Your wife will become dulled by your stamina and endurance"-Yup, that's what I'm looking for, a duller wife. Thanks, unwanted fraudulent e-mail!

  Classic WTF YouTubery
    Here are the top reasons you should subscribe to me!
  • 1) I can fit inside trashcans and dryers (so fun for the kids).
  • 2) I can make things catch on fire with my MIND.
  • 3)I will bedazzle your face on a shirt.
  • 4) Ill give you stuff like a snoopy snow cone machine and hoola hoops.
  • 5) If you dont a witch will eat my face.
  • 6) Im cool like the other side of the pillow.
  • 7)If you were to eat me you would be granted eternal life.
  • 8) I'll take you for rides on my unicorns!
  • 9) We can slay humbabas together.
  • 10) If I throw a hat up in the air it will stay there!

The eerily fascinating Nuglah
Via Boing Boing and Via MetaFilter

  3-D Glasses Not Included
Don Hertzfeldt Intermission


  MechaHamster GO!
hamster lolcat
I Can Has Cheeseburger


  Laughcraft
LOLthulhu
Via Boing Boing

  Beware of the Spit Take
The Pentecostal Church and The Holy Ghost Want You To Wear Pig Panties
Via The Big MoboDaddy - Two words, BMD - Blogger=Free

  Not Our Badgers, Ours are Cuddly

I'm behind the curve here, but I couldn't resist:

"We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area"

Via things magazine



  Oshiri kajiri mushi


  Suddenly Not Hungry
Colonel Sanders mural painted in Teriyaki Boneless Wing sauce
Via Exploding Aardvark

  Big News
Comically Large Things
Via MetaFilter

  None More White
Barbershop Quartet covers Sousa (Youtube Video)

  Anthropomorphic
Bingo Bongo Soda

  LOL
lolcat pantz


  From A Great Height
New gold seller tactic: Trying way too hard:
"Advertisers in a game world annoy the players; it's a form of spamming. So the corporation who run World of Warcraft have built robot filters that destroy spam messages in chat sessions.

So ...

Being unable to stand on a soap box using a megaphone to yell "buy our gold!" one particular gold farming company decided that to get their message across, they'd create hundreds of new characters in the game - all gnomes, all identically outfitted - place them at precise locations, and drop them from a very great height, so that their splattered corpses would spell out the address of the firm's shop front on the internet."
Via Charlie's Diary

  I has a Monet
LOLArt
Via Slog

  Lol
LolHamas
LolPresident

Via BuzzFeed

  Just What We Need
Civilization marches onward with a Robot that Sweats.
Via jwz

  I can has LOLmeme?
lol pug hungri like teh wulf


  /\13n Harbils
Rocky Horror LOL serious man serious thread
The LOLky Horror Picture Show
Via Laughing Squid

  LOLUFOG
By way of LOL Feeds, Utility Fog Blog's RSS feed converted to LolCats
Via MetaFilter

  More Than Comments
The comments on a simple laundry query on MonkeyFilter mutate into something else entirely.

  No Chuds Need Apply
"I am: a teenage girl caring for a younger brother on a quest to search for our missing father. He was seeking a way to bring back harmony to the planet when he disappeared while exploring in The Evil Zone.

You are: a rough, no-nonsense, attractive-yet-single, unscarred, honest, hardman who will insist on full pay for the bare minimum of assistance at first but who will eventually warm to us and aid us in our quest without accepting any recompense out of a growing sense of humanity you thought you'd lost for good. You will be an accomplished fighter, heroic but not stupid, and will sympathetically reject my sexual advances because of our age gap and my innocence and you will certainly not take advantage of these chaotic times and my naivety.

Location: The Evil Zone.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no mutants!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests."
Jobs Of The Post-Apocalypse
Via Exploding Aardvark

  And Then Suddenly Life Becomes a David Lynch Movie
"Police in Tacoma are investigating the discovery of a dead fawn that was found dressed like an infant and was left abandoned at the Pantages Theater.

Police spokesman Mark Fulghum said an officer made the bizarre discovery shortly after 9 p.m. on Tuesday.

Tom Sayre with The Humane Society for Tacoma and Pierce County said the newborn deer was placed in a basket and was wearing an infant sleeper and a bib that read "You think I'm cute? You should see my aunt.""
Police investigate dead fawn dressed like baby

  Big, Bad, and Stuck
Tank Accidents

  Insert Transformers/Godzilla Joke Here
"Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert, according to reports."
Michael Jackson wants Vegas robot
Via MetaFilter

  Today's One Line Spam Poetry
Re: Tunic Loaves

Is Everyone Bixby?

  Magical Fruit
The Baked Bean Museum of Excellence
Via MetaFilter

  I Opened Up an Idea
The latest in semi-coherent comment spam:

"Greetings,

As what i read on this posted article, i found out the informativeness of this kind of topic. For that reason i opened up an idea and some knowledge in this field. well, you made just did a great job..more power!

sincerely,
Lea Go "


  Down These Mean Streets

"Being a God and a Private Detective at the same time causes the occasional head to turn, but let the occasional head turn, says I. Let the head turn. Pigeons don't turn their heads. They just bob them back and forth like real estate agents.

Hours had passed and I still had no clue what I was doing in Venice. What was the job going to be? Who would be quarry, my task? My first wife, Amphitrite ("the third one who encircles the sea") used to say to me, when I got around to making use of a conch and would finally call her, she'd say "Are you still fucking that girl in Marina del Rey"? She had a mouth like a sailor, and an ass like a sailor too. I used to like sailing with her, now that I think of it. I wonder what happened to her. Her lips tasted like tuna, but without the mayonnaise."

Detective Neptune in "Christ, the Screaming Avenger"
Via Jesus' General

  Stylin'
ninja bunny hat
I'm gonna get me a Ninja Bunny Hat.
Then I'm gonna get all Naruto on some weasels.
Via swissmiss

  Nasty
Best made-up derogatory term: Knob-Nozzle

  Consider Me Freaked Out
chocolate sausage elf
Harma Heikens: Dope
Via LinkSwarm

  Science!
"While each cat was viewing the photographs, it was held by a laboratory assistant. To ensure that the cats were not influenced by stroking or other unconscious cues from the assistant, the assistant was anesthetized prior to each session. The cats' reactions were assessed for changes in pulse rate, respiration, eye dilation, fur shed rate, and qualitative behavior."
Feline Reactions to Bearded Men
Via MetaFilter

  You Gotta Be Sure
"Serbian vampire hunters rammed a wooden stake through the heart of former dictator Slobodan Milosevic to stop him "returning from the dead". Miroslav Milosevic, no relation to the former president, gave himself up to police who have launched an investigation."

I'm a sucker for any story that contains the magic phrase "Serbian vampire hunters".

Vampire hunting
Via MonkeyFilter

  Yummy
Delicious Cat Milk
Via MetaFilter

  Good Sipping Tonight
The Elvis Cup
Via Bifurcated Rivets

  Yeehaw
The Society of Inkwell Collectors
Via Proceedings of the Athanasius Kircher Society

  Pithy
Iraq's battlefield slang

"Dynamic truth: Basically means "this is the plan when my supervisor gave it to me, but change is already in the works."

Echelons above reality: Higher headquarters where no one has an idea about what is really happening.

Embrace the suck: Phrase heard in OIF1 (the original Operation Iraqi Freedom force). Translation: The situation is bad, but deal with it."

If I ever have to rename the blog I am definitely using "Embrace the Suck".
Via Exploding Aardvark

  Nutbaggery

"First, let us consider what most scholars agree is the etymology (word derivation) for the English term 'cat'. When analyzed with the Latin 'felis cattus domesticus', the original Koine Greek is 'cur.io huma bes-tia', means 'a contemporary housecat with all of its beastly identifying characteristics and behavior.' A faithful servant of Jehovah would quickly notice that the nature of a cat is so marked as being 'beastly'. The Bible makes clear reference to this condition when describing parts of Satan's organizations, both past and present. For instance, consider the fearsome 'beasts' as described in the book of Daniel or the 'scarlet colored wild beast' in Rev. 17:3. The demons entered the swine when rebuked by Jesus showing the potential harm and malevolent spirit control to which a Christian may be potentially exposed. Lest we forget the story of Nebuchadnezzar and the condition of God's enemy when being humbled by Jehovah, the student of God's Holy word would ask - is it by accident that the Bible in the book of Daniel describes his experience as a 'beast' of the field? Hardly so!

Clearly, the Bible - by using this kind of terminology - shows beyond any reasonable doubt that the basic nature of cats, while created perfect by God, has become evil or 'beastlike' since the fall of Adam six thousand years ago, and more probably, since the Great Flood of Noah's time (c2350 B.C.E.). This is a development of the condition borne by the 'Original Serpent', the 'Great Dragon' Lucifer himself. (Gen. 3:1) Indeed, modern studies of classification of cats, while not necessarily being reliable as they may be based on the discredited 'theory' of evolution, strongly associate felines with serpents (despite some external differences in physiology and morphology, which confuse those who do not study these matters deeply)."

Are cats for true Christians?
Via the sublime Bifurcated Rivets

  Iron Man is Having a Bad Day
fing fang foom puts you in his pants
Via warrenellis.com

  Think of the Animals
If Jesus returns tonight, who will feed your pets tomorrow? JesusPets will have a heathen care for them after the Rapture.
Via MetaFilter

  I'm Afraid to Ask
pageant magazine-sex, the american way is best
Via Flickr

  Happy Fun Time
incomprehesible warning symbols
The children's railway... FROM HELL
and
Cthulhu For Children
Via MonkeyFilter